Testimonial for the EquiSync©®™ Instant Meditation Machine-o-matic

 

Steve Buscemi endorses this product with soulful eyes!

Oh. My. God.

Were you aware of the latest trend in meditation?  Yes, I am talking about  EquiSync©®™ !  This thing is amazing!  I may be putting too fine a point on it but I do believe that this thing is better than sex…even better than group-sex or sex with Zenfant (sweet, sweet Zenfant!).  I mean just listen to this….

Were you aware that people who meditate for a short time each day are much happier than everyone else?

Well?  Were you aware of that?  If you weren’t then I can only assume that you are either a complete idiot or not properly blissed out on Xanax and beta waves.  Wait there is more!  Oh, yes….

Did you know that experienced meditators have awakened many dormant abilities that they never knew they had, abilities that exist within every person? And they have gotten much closer to answering life’s mysterious questions?

What?! I know.  You are thinking “Really John? Dormant Abilities?” But yes you too can be floating around on lotus petals, farting Buddha Spheres and imparting wisdom and douchbaggery on everyone you meet with just 10 minutes a day.  You will also get six-pack abs and increase you size and stamina (that was my dormant ability).  This man’s dormant ability was to be a douche so be careful and remember what both Buddha and Jesus said. “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Meditators are much healthier with greatly extended life spans, too. As a matter of fact, there have been numerous studies showing that meditation dramatically reduces, and even reverses disease of all types (especially cancer).

YESSSSS!  I shit out a tumor right after my  EquiSync©®™ session.  Fuck vaccinations!  Meditation cures measles too.

They are much smarter, too. In fact, meditators brains have been proven to function at a superior level on every single test, measurement, and assessment that the scientific community has generated. It is easy to see why many of history’s greatest inventors, philosophers, and scientists received their revolutionary, future-transforming ideas during their daily meditation sessions.

Every test, bitches!  Every fucking test is a breeze now with  EquiSync©®™!  I am so much smarter than you non-meditators.  But the joke is on you because all you have to do is align your brain waves (with  EquiSync©®™) and you are on a roll, brotha!  Wait there’s more!

Did you know that experienced meditators have awakened many dormant abilities that they never knew they had, abilities that exist within every person? And they have gotten much closer to answering life’s mysterious questions?

Did I already say that?  It’s hard to tell cuz I gots the precognition now.  Thats right, I can see the future with the  EquiSync©®™. 

Were you aware that meditators produce immensely more euphoric brain chemicals, the same chemicals that flow through your system on the days when you have never felt better, and these euphoric brain chemicals are produced constantly?

Indeed!  In the time it took me to  write this I have orgasmed 67 times and spontaneously caused everything without a Y Chromosome to spontaneously explode in pleasure.  That popping sound you hear are squirrels actually exploding in sexual glee!   This is amazing.  My mind is like one huge ethereal pleasure probe with the  EquiSync©®™!

Did you know that they also sleep much better? As a matter of fact, they need fewer hours of sleep every night because their minds and bodies are completely refreshed and rejuvenated during their highly pleasurable meditation sessions. Meditation is many times more powerful than sleep.

I don’t sleep!  EVER!  In fact, instead of sleep last night I had a four-hour conversation with my Buddha -Nature.  He stops by from time to time.  Even my Christ-Soul walked by and waved.

In order to achieve significant results, it takes hours upon hours of meditation every single day for years and even decades. As with everything else, only those that are extremely dedicated, disciplined, and work the hardest will attain these results. Also, the learning process is sometimes boring and can often be a chore.

O.M.G.  It actually takes time?  Some people actually sit and meditate daily for years?!  But I’m privileged.  Why shouldn’t I have this now?  And its BORING?  I don’t want to be bored or have to do chores or work hard.  I want my enlightenment and I want it now.  (Why does my Buddha-Nature look like J.G. Wentworth?) 

 EquiSync©®™ uses precisely designed, state of the art Binaural Audio Technology

State of the Art?  Awesome.  So what is this State of the Art Technology?

In 1839 Heinrich Wilhelm Dove, a Prussian physicist and meteorologist, discovered that when you introduce a tone with a different frequency into each ear, the brain automatically perceives the difference while simultaneously working to combine the tones. This triggers the brain to produce its own third signal, called a binaural beat, equal to the exact mathematical difference between the two tones. Scientists call this effect “frequency following response” (FFR).

1839?!  That is “State of the Art”!  I can’t wait to start…hold on…

What was that Raptor Jesus?  Why yes it is time for my daily EquiSync©®™ Beta wave brain enema.  I almost forgot.

Sorry gotta go, the  EquiSync©®™ is calling me.

Wishing You Much Sweet, Sweet Orgasmic Bliss,

John 

*rolling around in orgasmic pleasure with Raptor Jesus and Lego Buddha while listening to  EquiSync©®™*

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30 thoughts on “Testimonial for the EquiSync©®™ Instant Meditation Machine-o-matic

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Testimonial for the EquiSync©®™ Instant Meditation Machine-o-matic « Sweep the dust, Push the dirt -- Topsy.com

  2. obviously this new thing is a crock of crap. i mean look at extremity of logical fallacy in the very 1st paragraph! better than sex with me? impossible!

  3. I’m currently playing both my holosync cd and this equisync at the same time. In the first 5 seconds I had 53 orgasms. Diring the next 2 minutes I traveled back through each one of my past lives which included: Sam Adams, Mamma Cass and some guy that tortured squirrels. Thankfully I won’t have to deal with any of that bad karma cause I just crapped out a few tons of those tasty WFB biscuits(dormant ability) that I can go and feed the people of Haiti with. Also I’ve surpassed Uri Gellar and can now bend both grapefruit spoons and sporks with my mind. Just had another 18 orgasms. Thank you douchebags of enlightenment, for allowing me to reach pure fucking bliss for such a low, low price.

    Btw- thanks. I needed this lol

  4. Haha. The funniest thing about paying for recordings with binaural beating is that you can do it yourself in about 30 seconds for free. You just need a basic sound editor and two tone generators. They even give you the ‘pleasure’ inducing frequencies on the website.

    Spoiler alert: I tried this stuff in college and not only did I not achieve Nirvana (or an ecstasy of endless orgasms), but instead received mild dizziness and the overwhelming feeling of credulity.

    • I had a friend that had something similar in college. He was also manic-depressive and ended up killinghimself. Now, I am not saying the these delightful devices cause suicidal thoughts but they do feed delusions with lies and cause more suffering with these bullshit grandiose claims.

      Snake-oil salesmen and predatory marketers cause death and pain. It is as simple as that.

      Cheers,

      John

  5. $35 for the Enlightenment CD? Goodbye Mantras, goodbye month long retreats, goodbye 24 hour vows, goodbye Dharma books. I only need one CD and I am outta here, goodbye Samsara! And to work around the whole Bodhisattva vow issue I will simply blast this from speakers and send everyone to Nirvana. My only question is; why does it need a 30 day money back guarantee? Now back to those mantras.

    • Well, isn’t that what the Buddhobloggosphere is for? Except for when it is used by unsavory individuals that remove me from their blog roll for *gasp* having a different POV…

      *huff* *puff*….ok, I’m fine now.

  6. you have a different POV? I shall add you twice to my blogroll then.

    as i was telling Andy the other day, i’ll give you a lesson from an old fag (me): “it ain’t what they call ya, it’s what ya answer to”

  7. I haven’t seen the original site for this, but is everyone jumping on the band wagon in slamming this? Yes I agree “having a machine that meditates for you” may be the theme of this device, and may sound silly. But what if the technology works, even just a little bit. Could be of help to someone with ADHD or some other condition, helping that person meditate, putting them on an even playing field so to say. Any device can be jerkified after it makes it through the greasy marketing department. This might even have a side note about being able to brew coffee too 🙂 . There may be a legitimate use for some though, idk Guess I’m just playing Mara’s advocate lol

    • I suggest you check out the site before playing Mara’s advocate! It is pretty bad. I have no problem with technologies but I do take issue with predatory marketing. This company is lying to you, pure and simple. I take the opportunity to joke and laugh at it but, in reality, they care not providing anything that they promise.

      I tried something similar in college (as another commentor mentioned) from a friend. I found very little benefit afterwards. I prefer, good ol’ free meditation. By adding some background music you get the same effect.

      As per studies on ADHD and such classifications. I spent years teaching special education and never came across anything that suggested such assisted technology would be useful.

      But then again, fuck it. Give it a shot.

      cheers,

      John

      • Haha, ok maybe not then. I know I tried something myself way back that you put over you eyes while you slept, it flashed funcky LEDs while playing sound and promised everything from calmer demenor to learning new languages in your sleep. NeedLess to say my friend (the one who purchased it) returned it for a prompt refund. Looks like I lost out on this one, back to the meat vs veggie forum xD lol

        • I also tried some machine along time ago, it had flashing LED’s and several audio programs. I used it for a long time with no noticeable effects. Heck I was already enjoying meditation anyway. Another waste of money. I fall for the enticing marketing sometimes.

  8. Haha funny post. Very drole and sarcastic! The point about less sleep is totally true though. I get up at 9am and have started meditating for 30 minutes daily since the turn of the year. I get by with 6 hours 30 minutes sleep daily and feel fantastic.

  9. I just want to chime in here. This post is really funny and I checked out the equisync site and it comes off as a bunch of crap. But binaural beats have completely changed my life. I study tai chi, do yoga and all that. With the use of binaural beats I can slip into such a deep state of meditation so fast it’s incredible. Even so, it’s take hard work to get there, you really have to focus and want to meditate. Sometimes I’ll lay there listening to the gamma i-doser and I’ll feel like I’ve left my body. Other times if I’m not really into it, I just get annoyed and feel like I wasted my time. Now I haven’t used the equisync, but I do use hemi-sync and i-doser. I use them as a sleep aid, meditation aid, and focus for when I’m cramming for an exam or doing research for a paper. Brain entrainment isn’t proven, but there’s a lot of evidence to support it. Give it a go. It won’t turn you into a jedi, but it may turn you into a more positive person who’ll be more inclined to do something good for the world instead of sitting around your life like I was.

  10. Is that exciting, making comments about something nobody have tried?
    I just can not do that.
    Tomorrow I will buy a 3V card, (I have no credit :-), and order this Equisync. Later I will be back, when I will have tried it. Hakuna Matata!

  11. John, you are an ignorant fuck. I’m glad a moron like you will never get to experience the true bliss of meditation. And to think that there are other bacteria who post in support of you! Why don’t you continue to wallow and wriggle in that shallow cesspool of a life you are having now?

    • So much for becoming a “postive person.”
      Maybe in your next god-forsaken life you’ll find your nirvana and hop on down to the suicide wagon with Kurt Cobain.

  12. I have used the Equisync tracks myself. I do not know if they are better or worst than Holosync. I do know they worked far better than Kelly Howell’s Brainsync programs which, although they work, are not quite as good. Have they changed my life – nope. But the fact stands that the 2nd track on the Ascension disk worked the first time – straight out of the case. Again, I did not see the face of God. My next sexual experience did not intensified by a factor of 10 (damn!!!) and I did not manifest a Mercedes Benz in my driveway (double damn!!!). But I did go into a very deep meditative state. That was really all that was promised so I can honestly say it delivered.

  13. Life has taught me-Beware anyone who uses farting and douchebags as a sources of humor, they are most likely infantile unevolved souls revealing the level their mind is on.
    Sarcasm is a mask for angry bitter people. Your true colors are showing.

    Okay, the popping squirrels were a funny visual but using a self improvement tool as your target for your anger…just not cool. Personally I think ya should’ve tried it before you bashed it. Seems like you might be designed for someone just like you!
    “Omm”summed it up pretty well.

    • I am sorry that you read so much anger in my humor post. I am equally sorry that your life experience has taught you the need to be so passive aggressive in your commenting. That must be a hard life. I utilized the “Equisync” for close to a year on and off when my college roommate purchased one in the hopes of higher consciousness. It was, and no doubt continues to be, a piece of crap backed up by glossy marketing and false testimonials.

      Self-improvement tools are one thing but this slush that get marketed out only improves one thing: the size of the wallets of those selling them. They have nothing to do with self-improvement and everything to do with fleecing the unsuspecting public. And that, Phoenix, is just not cool.

      Also, and not to be persnickety but what is an “unevolved soul?” A soul is by definition immutable and evolution involves change over time so really we are all “unevolved souls” if you believe that sort of thing.

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